are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
