i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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