Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Four minutes until I can fart!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
