My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
