Soap is not a condiment
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
