He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
