Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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