i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
