Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
