you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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