We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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