My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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