She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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