Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
