Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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