A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
