woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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