wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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