Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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