you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
