There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
