I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
