last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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