I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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