my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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