Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Drunk is not a location!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
