Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
