how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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