Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
