I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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