You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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