the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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