I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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