My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
