Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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