We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you will always have a special place in my vag
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
