I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
