She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Still dying that you shit outside
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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