Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
