i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
