Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
