is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
