dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
