It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
