I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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