Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Randomize
