According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
