you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
