just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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