What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
