wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
