omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
