I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
