"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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