I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
