All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
