Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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