dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
