I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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